Chuck vs The Condom
by Altonish
Summary: Chuck vs. The Colonel, just started and Chuck and Sarah are waking up in their motel room. What would have happened if Chuck’s emergency condom had still been in his wallet? How would the episode have been different?


_**Disclaimer:**__ I don't own, Chuck. That's probably a good thing for you considering the kinds of torture I put him through. If you'd like to talk to the owners of Chuck please forward all questions to NBC, the WB, and Schwartz and Fedak, not necessarily in that order. _

_A/N: I accept no responsibility for this. This story is solely the fault of KathGrangerPotter who stubbornly asked: "But what would have happened if Chuck had still had the condom in his wallet? Surely Casey and Fulcrum would have burst in on them moments later." This fic is best read in conjunction with the episode Chuck vs. The Colonel since that's where these events take place. Essentially everything happens the same in the entire Chuck story line, except where noted here. At the very least you should go watch the first seven minutes of Chuck vs. The Colonel before you start reading as that's when this story diverges from the original storyline. _

Chuck vs. The Condom

Chuck awoke slowly, the sensations coming to him one at a time. He was warm, something soft was pressed against him and someone was stroking his hand. Chuck's memory of the previous forty-eight hours replayed in his mind like a flash, only this wasn't the Intersect, oh no, this was straight from his emotional core.

He was in Barstow California and two nights ago Sarah had committed treason to save him from imprisonment in an underground bunker. Then she'd agreed to help him find his Dad. Chuck had been surprised that she would go this far, but only a little, because somehow Sarah always managed to be exactly what he needed right when he needed it.

The sensation of Sarah's fingers dancing over his hand intensified. She was cuddling with him. Last night when he'd asked about the future of their relationship Sarah had blown him off. This morning in the light of the early dawn, he was wrapped around her and instead of separating herself from him, she was gently holding and playing with his hand. She pulled his hand slightly tighter again her thigh. That's when Chuck came to a horrible realization. _Oh, God, _Chuck agonized. _My early riser is pressed into Sarah's perfect backside. She's going to kill me!_ Chuck's head jerked up and he glanced towards his traitorous body parts, but all he could see were his and Sarah's hands intertwined_. _Chuck's movement had caused his erection to shift against Sarah. He felt her start to move and tensed his body, readying for the inevitable karate chop to his spleen, but to his shock she simply moved so that morning charmer was nestled back where it had been before. Then she sighed.

At a complete loss for what to do, Chuck decided to respond to Sarah's playing with his hand. He moved his fingers gently. When she felt his hand start to slide away she clutched at it momentarily. Sarah turned so that she could see his face. The color of her bright blue eyes were muted by the early morning light filtering into the seedy hotel room. They held an unspoken question as she searched his face. Her gaze shifted down to his mouth briefly and then back up to his eyes. Chuck did the only thing he could think of: he kissed her.

He hadn't meant for it to be a desperate or needy kiss, but that's what it was. To his complete surprise and increased arousal, Sarah's response was even more ardent. She clutched at him, her body following his when he momentarily pulled back to move the covers out of their way. Sarah pulled him down on top of her, the thin fabric of a pair of boxers and pair of cotton panties doing little to hinder the heat flowing between them. Chuck very much wanted to remove those last barriers and claim what he felt had been rightfully his for so long now. He wanted to do it quickly before yet another super spy barged through the door and came between him and Sarah. Her hips bucking against his groin was all the encouragement he needed. He started to slide his hand from her knee and up her thigh to grasp her panties when the voice of Ms. Hannity, his ninth grade health teacher, shouted into his brain. _"Always practice safe sex. One time, is one time to many if you aren't using a condom!"_

Damn preachy health teachers, but the voice was right. A pregnant Sarah would be very bad news while they were on the run.

"Don't move," Chuck begged. "Don't move, don't breathe, don't move." He waved his hands at Sarah, to indicate she should not attempt to leave the bed. "Stay!" he ordered her as he grabbed his wallet from his pants, where he'd discarded them the night before and headed into the bathroom. He dug into his wallet and found what he needed. Chuck fumbled with it and dropped it onto the floor. "Damn it!" He picked it back up and with a herculean effort he managed to tear the plastic and foil covering enough to extract the small tube of rubber. He rolled it along his shaft as quickly as he could managed without risking damage to delicate piece of latex. He only had one condom with him and to ruin it now would be the blunder of a lifetime.

His raincoat deftly applied, Chuck launched himself back into the bedroom, his erection gaily bouncing out in front of him. Sarah glanced up from the bed, and to Chuck's horror, she laughed.

Chuck felt his face fall as his hopes for a romantic union faded faster than the phosphors on a just-switched-off TV screen. "I'm sorry," Sarah said sincerely. "I didn't mean to laugh, but day glow green? _Really_?"

Chuck looked down and noticed for the first time that indeed the emergency condom in his wallet had was day glow green. "Well it didn't say on the wrapper…and besides, no matter what color they are, they all look ridiculous."

"That's true," Sarah nodded. "Now come here."

Chuck launched himself at Sarah and pulled the covers back. To his slight shock and absolute delight Sarah had apparently used Chuck's absence to part ways with the rest of her clothing. She was magnificent. His breath caught as he gazed upon her lovely body and only started again when Sarah reached up and pulled him down on top of her. "It's not polite to stare," she admonished him.

"God, you're so amazing. The most incredible woman I've ever seen." He received a wide grin from Sarah in response and she smothered further compliments by pressing her mouth to his. Chuck had thought nothing could be more erotic than the kiss they'd shared upon waking up, but he was wrong. A fully nude Sarah eagerly pressing her body against his and pulling him on top of her was practically more than he could handle. He was actually thankful for the decreased sensation created by the condom as joined himself to Sarah for the very first time. It wouldn't do, for this moment to end too quickly.

Despite Chuck's desire to make the moment last, his body had other plans, causing his pelvis to jackhammer into Sarah's She met each desperate thrust with one of her own, however, actually grabbing Chuck's hips to urge him onward. Chuck barely registered when the door burst open.

"FREEZE!" Someone shouted. "I SAID FREEZE… OH, GOD, MY EYES! I'M BLIND!"

Chuck glanced behind him to see Casey slumped on the floor, his gun discarded beside him as he clutched his eyes with both hands. Chuck was momentarily torn. Did he finish, or did he stop? He got his answer as Sarah pushed him off of her. Chuck had barely felt his cock slide out of her, before her gun was in hand pointed squarely at Casey's face. Sarah rose from the bed and stood naked in the center of the room. Keeping her weapon targeted on her partner. "Don't move, Casey," Sarah ordered.

Casey moaned, "First my toe and now my sight? You'll be the death of me, Bartowski!"

"Chuck, give me your shirt." Sarah barked.

"Oh, crap, you're naked too? This isn't helping," Casey whined ah he continued to rub his eyes. He pulled his hand away momentarily and blinked. "What did you do to me, I can't see."

"Shut up, Casey." Sarah pulled on Chuck's shirt while Chuck scrambled to put on his jeans. "Just grab our clothes," Sarah told him. Sarah tore Casey's hand away from his still blinking eyes and handcuffed him to the radiator.

"Don't do this, Walker," Casey barked.

"We don't have any choice. Chuck's father is here. We have to find him," Sarah explained. "Chuck, let's go."

Sarah took one step out of the door before reversing directions and backing in until she was standing next to Chuck once more." Chuck startled by her sudden change had almost crashed into her and then watched in horror as a gun followed Sarah's path, then an arm aiming the gun at Sarah's chest. A moment later the face of a very disturbing man that Chuck had once been sure was dead followed her in. "I know you, you're Vincent Smith," Chuck muttered.

"Yes, Mr. Bartowski," Smith said in a flat monotone. "We've met before. I have good news. I'm here to reunite you with your father."

Sarah leapt into the air and kicked the gun out the man's hand, but when she landed he punched her across the jaw and she fell limply on the floor, completely unconscious.

"Sarah!" Chuck yelled. He charged the man. Only when he reached him did Chuck realize he didn't really know how to fight. So he started pounding on the man with his fists. The man slapped him away.

"Really, come now, Mr. Bartowski, let's be civil. I need you alive, but I don't need your friends that way. Are you going to come quietly so that they can live?"

On the floor Casey kicked out at the man. "Don't listen to him, Chuck, kick for the groin!"

Chuck glanced at Sarah still unmoving on the floor. "I'll come quietly if you leave my friends out of this."

"That's not part of the deal. Either you all come quietly or they die, understood?"

"Don't do it Chuck!" Casey shouted.

The man pistol whipped Casey across the forehead, knocking him unconscious as well.

"Do we have a deal?"

Chuck didn't see how he had much of a choice. "Deal," he grumbled.

"Excellent. Pick up your little friend there and I'll have one of my associates bring Agent Casey with us."

Chuck pulled his shirt down around Sarah's body as best he could to hide as much of her as possible. He picked her underwear up off the floor and stuffed them in his pocket. He couldn't carry her jeans in a pocket, though. "Sorry, Sarah," he whispered as gathered her into his arms. Chuck pressed a kiss to her forehead. "I love you."

Chuck followed the Fulcrum agent out to his car. Chuck carefully placed Sarah in the back seat as Casey was roughly thrown in beside her by a man so large he managed to make Casey look small. When Chuck sat down next to Sarah, Smith threw a hand full of zip ties in Chuck's face. "Secure them," he ordered. He carefully bound first Casey's hands and feet, then Sarah's. "Do I need to secure you as well, Mr. Bartowski?"

"I said I'd go with you. I never break my word. I hope you're word is worth as much."

"Indeed," the Smith replied. He got in the front seat and the gorilla in the business suit got in next to him.

Chuck didn't speak on the short ride back to the drive-in movie theater. There was no question about it: this had been his best and worst sexual encounter ever. Chuck's hands stroked Sarah side as they rode. "It's going to be okay," Chuck whispered. "I'll think of something."

Upon their arrival back at the drive-in, Chuck was led into the projection house where an elevator lowered them below ground. Chuck, Sarah and Casey, were roughly thrown into some sort of storage room and the door was slammed shut and locked. There was a small window on the door that provided the only light. It appeared they were being locked in with the food. From what Chuck had seen, the secret underground base was short on both rooms and amenities. Tor all he knew, this was the only door in the place that locked from the outside. At least they wouldn't starve to death. Not for a while, anyway. Chuck found a piece of metal on the floor. It wasn't very sharp, but it was sharp enough. He started trying to cut through Sarah's bonds intending to release Casey once she was free.

***

Chuck looked out the door. Vincent Smith was sitting on an apple crate reading a book. Chuck could just barely make out the title: _How to Cook Humans_. "Oh, man," Chuck muttered. "I hope that book is covered in space dust."

Sarah was the first of the two agents to awaken. That might have had something to do with the fact that Chuck had her clutched in his arms and was gently stroking her cheek with gentle fingers. Her eyes opened slowly, and instead of jerking awake the way he expected, she smiled at him. "Hi," she said.

"Hi."

"What happened?"

"Vincent Smith knocked you out. He agreed not to kill you and Casey if I came quietly."

Sarah nodded. "Good, you made the right decision. What's our situation?"

"We're locked in a food cooler and we're dressed for an episode of _Cops_." Sarah looked at him quizzically. "I'm not wearing a shirt and you're not wearing pants. That's how most men and women who get arrested on _Cops_ are dressed." Chuck pulled Sarah's panties out of his pocket. "I managed to snag these before they made me carry you out. I'm sorry, Sarah, I couldn't grab your jeans."

"Thanks." Sarah nodded and put on the proffered underwear. Chuck averted his eyes. He didn't know if he was a allowed to look now or not, but Sarah was wearing an amused expression when he turned around.

"See if you can wake Casey, while I see if there's anything in here to help us escape."

"I'm really sorry about this," Chuck apologized.

"How is any of this your fault?" Sarah asked, as she started her search.

"Well, we wouldn't even be in Barstow if it wasn't for me," Chuck explained.

"I didn't have to help you," Sarah countered. "We wouldn't be in Barstow unless I broke protocol."

"If I weren't the Intersect, then you wouldn't be locked in here about to get eaten by a cannibal."

Sarah turned around to look at him. "Okay, what?"

"If I wasn't the Intersect…"

"No offense, Chuck, but I'm glad you're the Intersect. If you weren't the Intersect we never would have met. I mean, I know you want to get it out of your head and all, but I wouldn't trade a little thing like dying, for having never known you. I meant, explain the part about the Cannibal."

"Oh, well, our jailer appears to be Hannibal Lector. Check it out." Chuck jerked his head towards the door.

"There's a book called How _to Cook Humans_? Sarah sputtered. "Who would publish that?"

"Kodos and Kang," Chuck muttered.

"Who?" Sarah asked.

"Just some guys from Rigel VII, it's a Simpsons thing. Forget about it. I think Casey's coming around. Hey, Casey, welcome back. Did you have a nice nap?" Chuck asked.

"Bartowski, what the hell have you done now?"

"Why do you always assume, I've done something?"

"Well it stinks like spoiled cabbage, wherever we are. You're the only person I know who could screw up enough to make us wind up in the garbage."

"He's got a point," Sarah said. "You're the only person I've ever tromped around in the garbage for."

"Walker!" Casey barked. "I can't believe you let them capture us. First you desert your country…"

"I didn't desert my country. I chose not to betray, Chuck. Something you should think about."

"You and Chuck betrayed me!" Casey barked.

"How do you figure?" Chuck asked.

"You too went AWOL and took off on a mission without me. We're supposed to be a team, but instead you left me behind to have to explain to General Beckman why the hell my team deserted."

"We had to save my dad. He's locked in here somewhere," Chuck explained.

"Locked in where?"

"Well, we're currently in a food locker, but in general terms, we're housed in a secret Fulcrum facility codenamed Black Rock. It's where they took my dad after they evacuated him from the Leadership building."

As they Chuck finished speaking the door opened and Stephen Bartowski was thrown inside. "Dad!"

"Son!" Chuck's father grabbed him a tight embrace. "How'd they capture you?"

"At the motel," Chuck replied. "They ambushed us."

"Well, it's not exactly like you guys were keeping up your tactical edge," Casey muttered.

"What do you mean?" Stephen asked.

"I walked in on Chuck playing hide the salami with Agent Walker."

Steve wheeled on Sarah. "You're supposed to be protecting my son."

"He was wearing protection," Sarah objected.

"You're supposed to be keeping him safe from Ted Roark and his goons!"

"Dad, it wasn't her fault."

"The hell it wasn't," snarled Casey

"You had two years to toy with my son's emotions. Why chose now, when the most is at risk, to lower your guard?" Stephen barked accusingly.

"I…" Sarah stuttered, but nothing followed that one word. "You're right. I failed him."

"Sarah, no," Chuck shook his head vehemently. "Dad, don't you dare talk to Sarah, like that. You have no right. You walked out on Ellie and me thirteen years ago. You have no right to preach about responsibility, nor do you know anything about Sarah's situation."

"Oh, sure, now you grow a pair of stones," Casey growled. "Where were they this morning… WAIT! Don't answer that!" he bellowed.

"What's your excuse, Agent Casey?" Stephen asked.

"Well, I've been blinded by the sight of Chuck's bony ass humping desperately up and down when I barged into their hotel room."

"You're kidding?" Steven asked.

"Do I sound like I'm joking?"

"It's probably just Ocular Shock. Your eyesight should return in time."

"What the hell is Ocular Shock?" Chuck asked.

"Well, sometimes when a person sees something so horrible they just can't deal with it, their body shuts down the image receptors in the brain, to prevent overload."

"How they hell do you know that?" Casey barked. "You're no doctor."

"No, but I am intimately familiar with the parts of the human brain that are used for vision. I also know a great deal about how images can affect a person's bodily functions. So, yes, I know a lot about how eyesight can be affected by sudden shocking images," Stephen retorted impatiently.

"I guess that's true," Casey admitted.

Stephen Bartowski took in glanced around the room taking in the sight of the two agents and his son. "Why aren't you wearing any pants?" Stephen asked Sarah.

"We were abducted from our motel room. I was unconscious at the time," Sarah replied.

Stephen turned towards Chuck. "Come on, Son, I may not have been the best father, but I taught you better than this. Give Sarah your boxers."

Chuck blushed so brightly that it was visible even with the small amount of light coming through the window. "Daaaaad," Chuck whined.

"Come on, Charles, be a gentleman, you'll still have your jeans. If you really care about this girl, you shouldn't spare it a second thought."

With his dad pinning his compliance on his love of Sarah Chuck knew he didn't have any choice. "Could you guys, uh, turn around?"

"There isn't anybody here who hasn't seen this show before." His father shook his head. "Well not anyone that can see anyway. Did you know when Chuck was a little boy, we couldn't get him to stop playing with his dongle. I swear you'd turn your back for a second and he'd have his hands in his pants, right out in public too."

Casey snorted and started laughing. Chuck glanced at Sarah she was doing her absolute best not to burst out laughing, but her façade was cracking. Chuck could see the laughter in her eyes. Sarah reached over and stroked his arm. "It's okay, it's a cute story," she murmured.

Chuck shook his head and unzipped his jeans. _Maybe he hadn't missed anything not having parents during his dating years._ Sarah glanced away as Chuck stepped out of his jeans and then stripped off his boxers. Chuck stepped into his jeans and quickly covered himself. He then picked up the boxers and handed them to Sarah. "Here," he offered.

"Thanks," Sarah gave him a smile and she stepped into Chuck's boxers. However once she had them on, she gave Chuck a curious look. In slow motion Sarah's hand slipped into his boxers, her eyes grew wide with shock. "Uh…"

"What?" Chuck asked.

Sarah stepped even closer, so that she was pressed against him and took Chuck's hand. She pressed something slimy and rubbery into his hand. "Put that in your pocket," she whispered.

To Chuck's horror, he realized Sarah had just handed him his condom from that morning. "Oh, God," Chuck muttered. Sarah seemed to share the sentiment as she put as much distance as possible between Chuck and herself.

"What's going on?" Stephen asked glancing between Chuck and Sarah.

"Nothing," Chuck blurted awkwardly. Chuck cast around for a change of subject, something, anything, would do. "Dad, wait a sec. You didn't finish the new Intersect, did you?" Chuck asked.

"I completed it about thirty minutes ago, actually," Stephen nodded.

"But…" Chuck trailed off. "If Fulcrum has the Intersect…"

"Don't worry, son, I've got a plan."

"What plan?" Sarah asked.

"Well, they're planning to use the new Intersect to program dozens of Fulcrum agents at midnight tonight using the movie screen. When they do, they'll haul us topside so that Ted can gloat. He never misses a chance to gloat. However, the new Intersect is designed only to remove information from people's brains, not to input anything. So Chuck will watch the screen and it will remove the Intersect from his brain."

"What happens to everyone else?" Sarah asked.

"Anyone who doesn't already have an Intersect in their head will just be temporarily incapacitated. We'll use that opportunity to escape. I'm afraid you'll have to make sure you don't look at the screen, Agent Walker. Agent Casey, you should be fine.

"That's actually not a bad plan," Casey said begrudgingly. "But I can't let you wipe Bartowski's brain. He's too valuable."

"Well, since you can't see. I'm not sure what you can do about it," Steve shrugged.

"I'm going to be free?" Chuck asked.

"That's right, Son." Chuck's dad reached out and squeezed his shoulder. "I did it for you."

"Eugh," Casey spat out. "Are they hugging again? Stop that!"

"Why?" Sarah asked. "You can't even see it."

"Man hugs make me uncomfortable," Casey muttered. "It's unnatural."

"You just hate seeing anyone having emotions," Sarah kicked his leg playfully. "It's not so bad, you know."

Casey just grunted.

***

Sure enough, right on cue, Ted Roark and his lackeys rounded up Team Bartowski and Bartowski Sr. to be dragged topside so they could watch Ted's moment of victory. The cascade of images from the screen felt like a warm tide rushing over Chuck. "Is it gone?" Chuck asked, when the images finally stopped.

"It's gone," his Dad nodded. "You're free."

"HaHA!" Chuck laughed happily. He pulled Sarah up from where she was crouched on the floor hiding her eyes. "I'm free!" he said jubilantly and hugged her tightly.

"Not now, Chuck, we have to get out of here! Quick, let's go before they start to wake up!" Sarah ordered.

"Shouldn't we tie them up or something?" Chuck asked.

"No need," Casey shook his head. "I'll call in an airstrike as soon as we hit the road."

***

The four of them jacked one of the two dozen Chrysler Sebring convertibles that had come to the drive in. Casey called in an air strike on the Black Rock base to obliterate it. They headed back to Castle, stopping only briefly to pick up some fresh clothes for Chuck and Sarah. After the two Agents and one former Intersect retreated to the safety of the Castle, they briefed General Beckman on the details.

"So let me get this straight," the general stated."

"We destroyed the Fulcrum stronghold, took out its leadership, captured the Intersect cube, and erased the secrets from Mr. Bartowski's head?"

"That's correct, General," Casey nodded.

"There's just one thing I don't understand, Colonel. How did you become blinded?"

"I was injured in the altercation with Fulcrum when we were captured."

"Have you seen a doctor?" the tiny general asked.

"I've seen a specialist that thinks my eyesight will return in time. Agent Walker will take me to get another opinion as soon as this briefing is over."

"Very well," the General nodded. "Mr. Bartowski, you're free to return…to whatever it is…you do."

"Thank you, General, I just wanted to say. I know sometimes things didn't always work out the way we planned, but overall this has been an incredible experience. I really appreciate everything that you and your team have done to…" The screen went blank. "Well apparently you don't feel quite as strongly about it." Chuck trailed off.

"It's okay, Chuck, it's probably better that way. The general, well, she's not very sentimental." Sarah smiled.

"I'll see you tonight, though, right?" Sarah asked.

"Oh…yeah, the rehearsal." Chuck nodded. "I'd almost forgotten."

"Well, don't do that. Ellie will kill you. Seems a shame for you to die now," Sarah teased. She was giving him an open happy smile, something she'd hidden from him most of the time he'd known her.

"Yeah…heh, right." Chuck laughed uncomfortably.

"I'll see you soon." Sarah squeezed Chuck's arm and then turned around to take Agent Casey by the forearm. "Come on, Agent Casey, let's get you checked out."

"One sec," Chuck said stopping them. "Agent Casey, um, why didn't you rat us out?" Chuck asked.

Casey shrugged. "It's over. There no sense in ruining people's lives for no reason. It's not my problem anymore. Thank God for that. When I get my vision back, You'd better make positive I never see your pasty white ass again, Bartowski."

Sarah gave Chuck a sly smile and tugged Casey on Casey's arm. He heard her say quietly to Casey as they walked away, "It's really not that bad, you know. I think his butt is kind of cute."

Casey gagged visibly. "Damn it, don't say things like that!" The two agents disappeared out the door. That was when Chuck realized that, for the first time in two years, nobody but his sister cared one lick where he was. Chuck was finally free.

_A/N: Please be sure to leave a review and properly blame Kathgrangerpotter for the torture she has put you through. If you don't speak up she might be tempted to do it again and if you do speak up, I might be tempted to do it again. ____ Thanks for reading!_


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